I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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