I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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