I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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