Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
