I wish I could teleport
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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