apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
