Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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