I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
