I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize