I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
