Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
