if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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