just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
