"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
