Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
