your parents love me but you hate me
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
