please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
