Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
