I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
