he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
