I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
