Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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