I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I smell stomach acid.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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