maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize