twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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