spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize