So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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