I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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