So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
