Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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