it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
