and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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