I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
