I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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