I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
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