You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
