I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
