God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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