i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
