she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Randomize
