either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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