So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
