the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
