I faked an abortion last night.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
