Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
