How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize