Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
