What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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