I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
