i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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