and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
