I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
