So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
