I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
