I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
there is glitter all over my balls
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
