I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
