I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize