I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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