I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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