How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
