one word: firstdatebathroomanal
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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