No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize