Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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