I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
