and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
