I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
