In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
