i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
