You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
