3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm lost and stupid without you.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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