mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
