this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
